


Work in Progress

by punkassdameron (clitbarton)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Finn and his identity crises over being FN-2187 is my jam yo, Gen, Introspection, kinda meta i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 03:38:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5896645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clitbarton/pseuds/punkassdameron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he was with the First Order things had not been so confusing. He knew when to sleep, what to eat and how much. He understood what was expected of him. Now on his own things were different, there was a distinct lack of oppression. It takes a bit of getting used it.</p><p>Finn deals with what it means to no longer be FN-2187 and what it means to become Finn. Or even what it means to be both at the same time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Work in Progress

**Author's Note:**

> For the tfa_kink prompt: Now that Finn's been with the Resistance for a little while and shrugged off a lot of that First Order brainwashing, he's turning out to be QUITE competent. He hits the things he shoots at, and he comes up with some GOOD damn ideas. He has the makings of a natural leader. Poe and Rey have always loved him for his kindness and bravery, but now they're just like "Wow, I would always have followed you anywhere because you're the loveliest human being ever, but now I'll do it because YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING."
> 
> Basically: Finn comes into his own and Rey and Poe are encouraging and smitten. Bonus for nurturing!Leia.

 

 

✿✿✿

 

 

Captain Phasma did not hand out praise lightly, adequate was the peak of her barometer. FN-2187,

 

No. Finn.

 

 _Finn_.

 

(Suddenly having an identity, a name, took a lot of getting used to.)

 

Finn had been an adequate stormtrooper. Except of course he had not been, not really. He had been an adequate cadet but never could live up to the First Order’s standards in the ways that truly mattered. He had defected. He had failed.

 

He feels with every fiber of his being that was the right choice. He feels like a failure.

 

This perhaps did not mean the same thing to him as it did to other people. Other people who praised him. (Other people who looked on him with mistrust waiting for FN, for Finn, to mess up and reveal he was still a stormtrooper at heart.) He did not see it as particularly positive, or devastatingly negative. It was simply a fact.

 

The thing he had been trained his whole life for, the reason for his being, he could not live up to. He never could, even when he was supposed to be. Everything in the FIrst Order had felt so hollow, empty in a way that left an ache in his chest he could never explain. No matter how well he did, no matter the praise he received, no matter the peers who looked up to him, (and those who sneered with jealousy) it never meant anything to FN-2187.

 

He had always been so far behind it all, trying desperately to catch up. To understand what made him so different.

 

And then he had left, he had become Finn. He had met Poe and Rey and living legends. He had watched them die. He had nearly died himself.

 

A part of Finn had delighted in knowing that he was finally doing the right thing, that he was fighting to protect and not to destroy.

 

But he was still a traitor. He was still a failure.

 

It was all very confusing.

 

When he was with the First Order things had not been so confusing. He knew when to sleep, what to eat and how much. He understood what was expected of him. Now on his own things were different, there was a distinct lack of oppression. It takes a bit of getting used it.

 

“Yeah but it's a good thing, isn’t it, _buddy_ ?” Poe had asked smiling. And FN-2-- _Finn_ had noticed that Poe smiled at everything. It was infectious, he smiled back.

 

“Yeah. Yeah it is.” Finn agrees.

 

✿✿✿

 

Being part of the Resistance, being a part of something again, grounded Finn. He ate when he liked and never too much. (A part of FN-2187 felt he still did not deserve to break bread with them, perhaps he would always feel this way.) He slept when he was tired, exhausted really. Many times Poe would come to poke and prod him to do just so and he would go reluctantly because it was hard to refuse such a beguiling man.

 

He followed directions very well. He listened intently and made suggestions when necessary. When he was finally cleared from medical to do so, Finn began to train again. Solo at first then against Poe as he was the only one who seemed to trust FN-2187 enough to do so. Then later Pava who had challenged him with a cocky grin and very nearly managed to upend him.

 

“Not bad.” she had said simply as if she was not panting with exertion. “Next time I might not go so easy.” She laughs good naturedly and Finn does too. It feels nice to just spar without anything heavy and oppressive hanging over him. “C’mon let’s go get food.”

 

And just like that; FN-218-- _Finn_ , makes a friend.

 

Poe is thrilled by the prospect and slaps them both on the back as he slips in between them in one of the designated eating areas. “Two of my favorite people enjoying a meal together.” he sighs resting an arm on Finn’s shoulder and leaning close to Pava.

 

“Not a chance.” She swings her tray out of Poe’s line of slight curling slightly around it protectively. “Go get your own.” She says sternly between bites.

 

Poe pouts dramatically and turns his attention onto Finn who is already extending his tray in offering. “At least someone cares about me.” he sniffs and waggles his eyebrows at Finn who laughs. And Pava to her credit huffs but does not offer him any food.

 

✿✿✿

 

When Rey comes back Finn sweeps her up into a hug and she laughs struggling slightly but only for show. They both know if she truly wanted to get out of his hold she could.

 

Later they sit shoulder to shoulder and watch Poe work on his X-Wing. She flushed slightly and won’t meet his gaze as she prepares to say something that’s clearly been weighing on her. FN-2187 worries he may have done something wrong.

 

“I thought you might be cross with me for leaving without really saying good-bye.” She says finally after a long moment.

 

And he blinks. He does not understand why it matters quite so much to her how he feels about her decisions. Especially when she was only doing her duty. He thinks perhaps it's because they are friends and he remembers Poe telling him one night that friends worry about each other, that’s what friends were for.

 

“Er- well you came back. That’s what really counts.” He says awkwardly and really hopes he did not mess this up. He realizes on some level that this is an important moment and that if he is not very careful this could ruin their friendship. FN-2187 does not have a lot of friends and he cares for this woman so deeply. He really does not want to ruin it.

 

She smiles finally and he knows he hasn’t.

 

✿✿✿

 

Pava, or _Jessika_ as Finn has been instructed (demanded) to call her, has her arms crossed tight over her chest doubled over in peals of laughter. Rey is more conservative chuckling against the back of her hand. And Poe attempts to appear as put upon as possible over whatever it is the two of them are laughing at him for, but Finn notices the way his lips keep trying to smile against his will.

 

Finn has only just arrived and he’s nervous. He thinks perhaps he is not ready to lead a mission, to lead this team. His team. His friends. But Leia believes in him. And Poe and Rey and Jessica have each said they would follow him without hesitation.

 

Or rather Poe had clasped a warm hand over his shoulder and gave him a gentle squeeze. “Aww, buddy, don’t you know I’d follow you anywhere?”

 

And Rey had rolled her eyes slightly and said “Well obviously you’re right for the job or you wouldn’t have gotten it. Obviously I believe in you,...idiot.”

 

Jessica had punched him (hard) in the soldier and told him “Get with the program you passed all the requirements with flying colors. You broke records! You’re ready for this!”

 

Finn thinks that yeah he is ready. Maybe he is still a failure, and a traitor. But he knows he can do this. FN-2187 had led his fire team so he could do this. It wasn’t the same, of course not, these were his friends. They chose to follow him and he would not let them down. He would not betray them. He would not fail.

 

✿✿✿

 

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> I enjoyed writing this. I switched a lot between Finn's two "identities" tho not in a neurodivergent way. More like a self referential how we identify ourselves in our own head brains. Basically Finn is trying to figure out how to answer the question "Who am I now?" I figured a lifetime of brainwashing can't just be wiped away cause someone finally gave you a real name. Even if that someone is as dashing as Poe Dameron. Lots of switching between FN-2187 and Finn, heavy focus on names in this fic. As well as interpersonal relationships and generally just Finn's journey. Cause he's my child....and I love him. I might do a series. Who knows? I sure don't!
> 
> Unbetated, all mistakes are my own. Thanks for reading!


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